Life and death...

HCG results are back for the second time.  It confirmed what I already knew.  I have lots of contractions and labor like pain.  But it was actually a relief to finally put closure to this dilemma.  Now I know.  And I am still grateful for what I already have.  and this is my thanks.  Sometimes you don't know what you have until you loose it.  I am so blessed for what God has given me and hope I am worthy of his countless blessings on me.  Dealing with a loss however is another part of grieve that I have to go through.  I am not recovered physically and emotionally yet.  Pregnancy hormones are still flowing around in my body giving me the sense that I am still carrying and growing a baby yet there is no actual baby to care for and nurture.  I am all in conflicts now.  It takes time... perhaps a little longer than I can imagine to get back to my normal self.  Arah had named the baby 'Dora' her favorite cartoon character.  she used to come in everyday and kiss the baby on my belly.  We were starting to set up the nursery and find a crib for the new addition in our lives.  I was comparing myself with other expecting friends around and was so excited to get ready to break the news to them.  But these are all just a distant memory now.  Our little angel never made it to this world from the heaven.  I swear I could feel baby's heart beat in my belly this time.  He was very much alive for me and in this short period of time I managed to bond with it and accept its existence.   God bless our little angel.  and give me the patience to accept it  as “It is not the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away..."

We're going to children museum today and white Christmas play in Buelle theatre. Time to get out of this house and spend some quality time with my little Arah.

“No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”